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How to Help Your Child Accept a Second Marriage
On announcing your forthcoming second marriage, your 6 to 11 year old child has reacted negatively - what should you as a mother do to make it easier? When you're faced with your child's pain and anger during a time of your happiness, it can be a turbulent time. This article presents some ways to help your child come to terms to the new arrangements and learn to accept your impending blended family.
Reassure your child. Even if your child gets along well with your fiancé, remarriage often revives the pain of divorce. Also, through loyalty or fear of betraying his father, your child might want to refuse to participate or help. It is important to reassure him, to tell him that you understand and respect his decision. Prepare him for a solution that lets him off the hook; such as going to his father's place or a friend's place during the wedding. He mustn't feel abandoned but it's important that his refusal to attend won't influence your decision to go ahead. Whatever happens, your marriage will occur because it's a matter for the grown-ups to make decisions about their own lives.
Understand her worries. She may be afraid that perhaps she'll be called upon to move, to share her room with a half or step-sibling. She may be worried about what will happen to her daily play routine, vacation plans and general activities. On the other hand, it may well be that a new marriage will bring about an ease in financial constraints so it is important to be honest and explain how change is always hard for everyone but that there will be some very good changes that come out of the new family situation. Point out how there will be easier ways to do things with more people on board to help out. It is important to be frank, because she will feel betrayed if you try to gloss over the challenges. Reassure her that despite the changes, her relationship with both her parents remains one of love, support and respect for her. And let her know that despite the new marriage, you will be still be there for her, together planning the future, with her as she grows up and supporting one another.
Make it clear that love between adults is not something a child can change. Gently help him to understand that whilst he can manage his toys, homework and choice of clothes, he cannot influence his parent's love life, whether it be divorce or remarriage. In discussing this, never use negative words about him - a child all too easily assumes responsibility for the single parent and can feel a sense of personal blame. Ensure that he does not have any such negative feelings and reassure him that when it comes to affairs of the heart, feelings and love, much cannot be explained and that things just "are". Tell him also that the joy of one person does not equate with the sadness of another - there is room for all the family to feel joy at the coming marriage.
Approach new names with great care. Unless there are very good reasons, it is not a good idea to change a child's last name; it is a threatening challenge to both her personal identity and her connection with her father. It is better to reassure your child firmly that she will keep her father's name and that nothing changes. In terms of a name for the new spouse, discuss this directly with your child and let your child come up with a nickname for her new parent. Finally, explain to her that she has the right to love her new parent without this love taking the place of her love for her father. There is room for both people in her life and if both her father and new parent take their roles seriously, she'll discover the delight of having more people caring about her welfare and needs.
Be patient. A very stubborn refusal that includes rebelliousness and anger won't be resolved overnight. Talk to your ex-husband to get support for helping your child through this transition. If he hasn't remarried before you, odds are he will be in the future, so either he'll have already been through it or he'll be open-eared about what he will experience should this happen to him as well. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-husband still have your child's concerns at heart first and foremost in your discussions; this isn't the time for dragging through old hurts but it is a time for putting your child's concerns first.
I don't mean just in the general sense, I mean in every sense. We all know to keep a car key between our first and second finger when we walk through a dark parking lot alone. We know that someone who is aggressive on a first date should not get a second. We know not to give money to someone who claims to have a bridge to sell us. We do not know, however, how to say no to someone we love. We are generous to a fault most of the time, putting our assets and resources at their fingertips because we believe we are making a family.
My friend Anne spent $65,000 in less than 6 months and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Because she voluntarily sold her house, voluntarily paid for things for the man she married, voluntarily paid the down payment for their house, voluntarily paid for their honeymoon and wedding, voluntarily paid off her husband's credit card, she has no legal recourse for repayment. Unless her husband, who she is now divorcing, feels like reimbursing her for what she and he spent, Anne will spend the better part of her 40s working two jobs and trying to save as much as she can before her daughter starts college in 2012. Her attorney, a shark who has the reputation for making other attorneys cry and settle, told her that it is throwing good money after bad to even try. Anne has voluntarily-ed herself into near bankruptcy, and is left with a mortgage she cannot afford and a lot of debt she will struggle to pay, while her husband can walk away with his life intact and exactly the same. He doesn't have to reimburse her for anything, not even the credit card debt Anne paid off, because there was no agreement that he would ever repay her.
Common sense would tell us that when we go into business with someone else, we make sure that our assets are protected and our best interests guarded from the start. A second marriage is no different. Our men have prior financial obligations to ex-wives and children from their first marriages. Many are carrying marital debt from a marriage that ended before the last presidential administration. We wouldn't invest in a company that had a history of being irresponsible, why should we invest in a man who is irresponsible? Child support is a moral obligation, of course, but a man who puts himself 8K in debt for GI Joe dolls and Subway sandwiches should be avoided like the plague. Or like COBRA.
There are many ways to make a new family out of 2. Some couples combine money from the start and don't mind that one person contributes more. Some couples keep separate accounts their entire marriage. True story, one of my friends from high school has been married for 15 years to the same man. She and her husband keep their finances separate and always have. He has no ex-wives, no children other than the children Renee gave birth to and they still keep their money separate because, in Renee's words, "It is one less thing for us to fight about." That wisdom has stuck with me through my first and second marriages and it has been the best advice I ever have had about finance.
With more and more marriages being second marriages, we have to be smarter about our money. Here are some tips for protecting YOUR assets.
A smart woman will not acquiesce to unreasonable requests from their partner. If you have to move 30 minutes further from work, sell your home and live in their home for no reason other than they don't want to move, even to a new home, chances are it is a red flag for the relationship. In marriage, most things are up for discussion and compromise. If he will not compromise before marriage, chances are he will also not compromise after.
Agree on a budget before you even move in. Don't promise to pay half when you don't even know what half means. Spell it out clearly. You will pay half utilities and mortgage, but his 4 wheeler payment is not in the deal. You will pay your own car payment and he will pay his. His generosity to his children will come from his savings and not household funds. Or maybe you don't really care. Either way, know what you are getting into before you get into it.
Women sometimes make less money than men on the surface. However, when you deduct child support, alimony and mandatory life insurance payments, the second wife may find that she is kicking in more than her partner. Make a budget with all deductions (child support, past marriage debts, etc) so you BOTH know how much you have to work with. Know exactly what his obligations are before you marry him so you will know what you can live with.
Child support that you receive for your child is just that... For your child. Do not use it to finance a home. It isn't household income beyond your ex-husband's portion of what it costs to raise the child you share. It isn't to pay your husband's child support or to pay for a boat he has to have. It is for YOUR child, not his. Resist the urge to pay his support for him or give more to your stepchildren to try to level the playing field based on an increase you get for your children. They have two parents, too. If you don't "need" the money for your children, put it in the bank for their college education. That will come sooner than you might think.
Do not empty YOUR child's college fund to pay for anything short of a major medical emergency. If your partner promises to help the child with school if you just let him use the money you have saved for college to buy a truck for him or foot the bill for his older child's college education, tell them they can help most by honoring your request that the money not be spent at all. It isn't your partner's money, it isn't your money. It is your child's money and should be protected. If you feel you cannot say no to your partner, put the money into a certificate of deposit or into a trust for your child that prohibits withdrawal for any reason but college expenses. If you cannot say no to your partner, he is probably also the wrong man for you.
Look before you leap when it comes to having more children. If your dream is to be a SAHM to your children, be aware that your husband's financial obligation to his first family may very well mean that your 8 week old infant is in daycare because you have to work full time, while your husband's ex-wife is sitting at home when her kids are in school. Oh, and YOU have to pay all the costs for your child, because your husband doesn't make enough to pay his part of household bills and child support/alimony. If your husband is overpaying child support because he agreed that he wanted his kids's mother to be able to stay home with them, you will pay for that choice. And so will your child. In many states, having another child doesn't affect an existing child support order.
When you combine assets, you give your husband's ex-wife access to your financial information. You may black your name off the tax return that she requests at a child support review, but if she knows that your husband made 50K last year and your tax return is for a total amount of 150K, she will know that you are earning a 6 figure income. If that is not acceptable to you, make sure money never combines until the day child support ends. A clear division of money has saved many men from an unfair child support increase.
Do not buy a home with someone to whom you are not married, particularly if they are still married to their first wife. His wife, though she has contributed NOTHING to your home, can be granted a portion of the equity in your home because it becomes a marital asset in her marriage to your SO. Many women have found themselves in the not-so-unique position of a nasty breakup with a SO and found that the only right they have is as a co-owner of the property, not as a partner, even if they have lived with their partner for a decade. Many women have also found that they must take a HELOC or refinance a property to pay off the first wife. Don't put yourself in that position.
If you pay off his debts, get a signed contract stating that he will repay you, that he acknowledges it was a loan and has a stated schedule for repayment. If he will not sign, do not give him the money. Do not fall for tears, manipulation or threats that he will break up with you because "you don't trust him." Nor should you. Someone who has no intention of repaying you, very often will resort to manipulation. And we women fall for it. We don't think like loan sharks and sometimes, sadly, we need to.
If you have sold your home to invest in his or to buy a home together, make sure your investment is protected with an agreement that states in the event of a divorce, you get your initial down payment back, plus half the equity in the home. If you make improvements to his home, insist you be added to the deed. You do not need to refinance in many states to do this. Keep careful track of what you spend and make sure that YOUR name is on work orders and materials purchases. Pay for those improvements out of your account as well. If possible, make him sign a promissary note for each improvement so that it is acknowledged that YOU paid for it.
When you are planning your retirement, make sure that your IRA and any investments prior to the marriage remain in your name only. Any inheritance from your family should remain in your name alone. And make sure you have a will that clearly and concisely states what you wish to be done not just with your grandmother's ruby ring, but with your assets. While you may be fine with everything going to your husband, trusting him to make sure that upon his death your children receive their share of your estate, his heirs may very well feel differently. And if you have no will, you have no say. There are options, such as leaving property to your partner and a life insurance policy equaling your share of the property to your children, but you must speak to an attorney in your state to know what your state will require. No will is a recipe for disaster.
What you buy for your partner's children is a gift. You will not get it back, you may not even be thanked for it. Cashing out your retirement, mortgaging your home or selling a vacation property to pay for a stepchild's college education, first car or wedding is likely to not result in anything but you being less a cabin by the lake. If your partner throws a fit because you don't feel like refinancing the house to pay for his daughter's wedding, your partner is taking advantage of your love for him. Their desire to provide generously for their children is a good thing, but it should not come at the expense of your own future.
And for the love of G-d, ladies, remember that NO is not a dirty word. If you cannot afford it, you feel you are being taken advantage of, you see that your husband or boyfriend is spending you into oblivion... Speak up and say no. Don't wait, as my friend Anne did, until the day you notice that your child's college fund is drained and the money you got from the sale of your home is spent. While it is "only" money, it is only YOUR money.
Second, third, even fourth marriages are relatively commonplace in this day and age. While nobody applauds the high divorce rate in this country, we nonetheless recognize remarriage as a fact of life -- and a great opportunity for a happy new start (and a cool second wedding) for thousands of couples.
Second- or third-time-around couples often find themselves at a loss as to how to go about celebrating their nuptials -- as if a marriage that is not one's first is any less cause for celebration. Because the traditional picture of the blushing first-time bride and groom is growing increasingly less representative of those getting married, we at the Knot have put together some tips, ideas, and advice for all those going through this (still heady, still giddy) period of engagement and marriage, when you've been there, done that before.
Our outlook on this situation is "This Time, Do It the Way You Want It." Take advantage of whatever experience and maturity you've gained since the first marriage(s) and apply it to making this one the best!
Brides: Be yourself. Let your personality shine through. Traditional garb is probably what you wore when you married someone else -- this time go for what you like! This also means that if you always wanted to wear the big white dress, but for some reason didn't get to before, do it now! Grooms: Take that money you would have used on a (new) tux and buy an Armani suit (or something else that makes you feel suave). Be as individualistic as the woman you are marrying.
Choose your attendants' attire with the same philosophy. They don't all have to wear the same thing, they don't have to wear tuxes, taffeta dresses, etc. Incorporate your personalities into the proceedings.
The very first people to be told of the upcoming wedding should be children either of you have from previous marriages. This is very important: Even if you are lucky enough to have children who adore your new husband or wife, if they are not the first to be told it can be very alienating for them. Your kids are going to have a brand-new stepparent -- no one should know that before they do, right? Right. Often, in a second marriage where there are children, the children will walk down the aisle ahead of the couple, making a strong statement that this marriage is an important step for all involved.
Although previously there was a stigma attached to announcing one's (second) engagement or wedding in the newspaper, there is no such stigma now. Check with your newspaper as to format.
Because the couple probably has most necessary household items, go for interesting theme showers:
Self-Improvement: lessons for cooking, calligraphy, sculpting, ballroom dancing; scuba diving; museum or health-club memberships; a concert, readings, ballet, or opera series; a weekend at a spa.
Wine Cellar: wine glasses; corkscrew; wine rack; membership to a wine-of-the-month club; wine newsletter; wine-tasting classes.
Great Outdoors: gardening tools; skis; hiking/camping equipment; binoculars; rock-climbing lessons; a gas grill.
Money is not a very romantic topic. We can all agree on this. However, in an area as legal and binding as a marriage (and as fraught with emotion), it must be considered and discussed, to the mutual benefit of everyone involved. When a couple is remarrying, it is often an even larger issue, because chances are they have more possessions, investments, property, etc. In her book "Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage: Handling Delicate Financial Issues with Love and Understanding" (Betterway Books, 1996), author Patricia Schiff Estess talks about the "ABCs of Money Management: Accounts, Budgets, and Chores." She outlines several money-management strategies tailored for different situations and different personalities, for example, ways of pooling or not pooling income when there are children from previous marriages involved; the "one pot," "two pot," or "three pot" system -- which refers to how many bank accounts the couple will separately and jointly maintain, etc. It's a good book for anyone thinking of making the leap -- again.
Congratulations to all those who are lucky and romantic enough to have found love again!